


Something's Gotta Give

by iceeesky82



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Enjoy:), M/M, Sad, idk it's just sad, vaguely cannon compliant-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:50:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceeesky82/pseuds/iceeesky82
Summary: One of his hands grabs at mine, clenched tightly in my lap. He brings it to his own chest slowly, eyes locked with mine. I can see the determination on his face-- eyes unwavering, mouth pressed together. "You feel that? Focus on my heart darling. It's steady and I swear it's not going anywhere." The rhythmic beating of Louis' heart feels as heavy as time beneath the palm of my hand, and suddenly I'm so tired I feel dizzy. It's as if all the wires holding me up got cut, and there's nothing left of my body. In a way it's relieving.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 11





	Something's Gotta Give

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. Welcome. This little drabble has been sitting in my files for ages now and I've been too scared/lazy to post it. Since we've been winning lately w all the new content and *some ppl* being LOUD LOUD, I figured I might as well grow a pair and share it :) 
> 
> *  
*  
*  
warning-- completely unedited! yay! so pls excuse any mistakes.

I glance at him quickly, and the air around me buzzes with electricity. I fear that if I look at him for too long something will explode, so my eyes remain trained on my hands—fidgeting in my lap. I can feel my heart beating all the way in the tips of my fingers, but I can't feel anything from him, not anymore. He's sitting so, so close- leg pressed against mine, eyes trained on the side of my face - but its different now. I can feel my chest burn with everything I can't say.

_Nothing matters when you aren't here_

He knows that already though. Of course he does. I was never good at hiding it. The glances that lingered at his the corner of his mouth when eye contact was too much. I know what people say, as if I'm not aware that I can't seem to stop staring at him when he smiles.

_Holding you hurts my heart, because I won't ever truly have you._

This one makes my breath hitch slightly, because even now, with his hand reaching out to touch my shoulder, I know it won't be enough. It never is.

"Haz?"

Damn it. In that instant I want to throw it all out the window. Take the pain and confusion all over again just to keep hearing him say my name forever. Suddenly the tightness in my chest is too much and I have to do something- cry, scream, kiss him. Something!

"Harry just talk to me. Please..." Louis' voice sounds wobbly and uncertain, as if he's afraid his words will shatter the moment completely.

I have to look at him now, as much as it hurts to see the anxiety written across his features. Aware that my eyes are on him, he lets out a short huff of breath and passes a hand across his face angrily-- as if upset at the tears that dared to gather at the edges of his lashes. 

"Don't do that. Don't shut me out like that. It's fucking terrifying and I-" Louis cuts himself off at the look on my face. 

_Don't shut me out?!? _I want to scream. _I'm not the one constantly pushing you away when things get too much! One night we're closer then ever, and I feel like I'm on top of the damn world, then the next day you're out getting papped with her! _

In my head, I know that's selfish. I know he doesn't have control over the situation. Right now though, I can't think about how much shit he goes through to protect me. It hurts too much. 

"Lou...We can't keep up like this. Something's gotta give, and I think I've given you everythingI can offer at this point." I take a deep breath and all the pent up words start tumbling out.

"It hurts. It hurts so, so bad... And I just want to do the best that I can for you. Because you deserve it. You deserve the fucking world Louis Tomlinson, and I don't think I'm the right person to give it to you."

"Haz wait-" I can see the gears turning in his head, eyes widening.

"No, I just need to finish this ok? This-us- whatever category we fall into, it's pulling me apart. I can't keep tiptoeing around you because I'd rather take what I can get, than lose you completely."

Louis just keeps shaking his head, eyes glassy, as if willing me to just please stop talking. But that's the problem, I have spent too long sacrificing pieces of my own sanity to try and make this work. In the end, not matter how we end up, all I really want is his happiness, his smile. People need to keep seeing him smile, even if it's not for me.

"Seeing you sad is quite possibly the worst thing for me. Like I don't think my body knows how to function if you're upset. When you crawl into my bed at 2 in the morning I let it happen, because for the few hours before the sun rises, I get to pretend. I imagine what-" I have to stop for several beats because there's a pounding in my ears drowning out every other sound, and I need to focus. I need to make him understand.

"The worst part is when I wake up though. I know you won't be there. I never expect you to be, but there's still this split second right after I wake up where I keep my eyes closed, hoping. When my pillows still smell like you-" My voice finally gives out at this, breaking into silence 

"Shhhhhh Hazza, darling, it's ok. I'm so sorry. Just tell me what to do. I swear to god you mean more that any stupid contract. I''l go and fix it just _please_ tell me what to do baby I'm so sorry..."

I feel small, cold hands come up to brush tears away from my cheeks, and it's only then that I realize how heavily I'm crying. His fingers stop just under my jaw, pressing gently.

"I need to keep going, there's more and if I don't say it now I'm afraid--"

"I know, believe me I know. But please, I'm not going anywhere and we can finish talking later. I promise. I just need you to calm down and take some deep breaths now ok Harry? I don't want you spiraling... your asthma" 

One of his hands grabs at mine, clenched tightly in my lap. He brings it to his own chest slowly, eyes locked with mine. I can see the determination on his face-- eyes unwavering, mouth pressed together. "You feel that? Focus on my heart darling. It's steady and I swear it's not going anywhere." The rhythmic beating of Louis' heart feels as heavy as time beneath the palm of my hand, and suddenly I'm so tired I feel dizzy. It's as if all the wires holding me up got cut, and there's nothing left of my body. In a way it's relieving. 

"'m gonna fall asleep. Need a nap." I mumble drowsily. 

"Ok, love. Whatever you need. Lets get you to your room." He helps me up off the couch gently, palms spread across my side as if to steady me--but I can feel how his hands shake as he grips my shirt tightly. I know he needs the contact as much as I do. The pile of pillow and throw comforters strewn around my bed seems to pull at me, and I fall into them without complaint. Glancing over, I see Louis hovering in the doorway--unsure of what to do after where we left things. Honestly though, right now I'm too exhausted to think about any consequences, and even on a good day I'm not good at resisting him.

Wordlessly I stretch a heavy arm out, gesturing for him to join me. He's there in a split second, body so warm and alive in a way I won't ever be able to forget. His small arms sneak around me firmly, as if to keep all the messy pieces of me from floating away. My last thoughts before I fall asleep are hazy. 

_Will anything have changed when I wake up, or will I be left with the scent of him lingering on my pillow._


End file.
